Is Safeway Sucking Your Soul?
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist - Friday, April 15, 2005
Are overlit, heavily toxic supermarkets making you ill
and eating your brain? Why, yes!
It's like a goddamn circus in there.
It really is. It's like some bizarrely overlit funhouse, a massive
chaotic attack on all your senses and an outright assault on your
optic nerves, and that's well before you've even made it past the
towering display of Bud Light and well before the huge end-cap cases
of Ruffles Sour Cream and Strychnine and about a mile away from
the chemical-blasted, hormone-injected, meat-like slabs in the butcher's
section that seem to look at you as you amble by, and hiss.
This is what it feels like to walk into any giant chain supermarket
these days, from Safeway to Albertsons to Ralphs to Vons to you
name it, and I have hereby come to the slightly snarky conclusion
that it's a true wonder that more people don't walk out of these
places suffering something akin to full-body spasms and devolving
into semi-catatonic mumblings about loudly colored boxes of S'Mores
cereal and giant bags of neon-orange Doritos attacking them from
above.
In fact, actually, some people do. Some people pick up on these
nasty agents of vibrational doom far more than others. Maybe that
someone is you. And maybe you don't even realize just how bad it
is. Yet.
Observe, won't you, the frozen premolded wax-glazed Pepperoni Bagel
Bites that taste like cardboard and rancid sheep's blood. Note the
Reese's-flavored, sugar-drenched breakfast cereal that looks like
something your dog coughed up and which makes your kids' eyes wobble
after they eat it.
Taste, won't you, the yummy insect parts aswim in that foot-high
stack of cheap-ass, hyperpink Oscar Mayer bologna. Listen in wonder
as that case of Dr. Pepper seems to cry out to your pancreas, begging
to induce type 2 diabetes. Feel your very colon quiver and scream
as you stroll by the wall of frozen Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage
biscuits. Woe is your body and your spirit in this savage, toxic
wasteland.
Remember that news item from last year about that insanely manic
Pokemon cartoon that induced epileptic fits in all those Japanese
kids? Too many bright flashing lights. Too much screaming color.
Too much artificial everything. The spirit, the soul, the body,
they can handle only so much. Especially if said mind/body/spirit
have been at all retuned, awareness-raised, karmic-pain-threshold
lowered.
I deem it Supermarket Syndrome. It is what happens when you spend
increasing amounts of your grocery-shopping time in local natural
markets, farmer's markets, Whole Foods or (here in S.F.) Rainbow
Grocery, or in any of a thousand smaller health marts around town
- and don't give me the you're-an-elitist, I-can't-afford-that-stuff
argument, because there are plenty of cheap farmer's markets and
healthy grocery stores right now, places full of quiet lighting
and healthy grains and organic produce and friendly service and
foods that don't have, as their first ingredient, imminent death,
or refined sugar, or high-fructose corn syrup, or Bright Flaming
Red No. 3, or Known Cancerous Substance No. 4, or Raging Obesity-Related
Heart Disease No. 11.
They are places, in other words, where you walk in and spend an
hour of your life and it immediately feels, you know, different.
Better. Healthier. Lighter. More natural. And you walk out and you
go, hey, wow, check it out: no searing headache.
And when you shop in these places for a while, an amazing thing
happens: your body changes. Your senses recalibrate. You calm down.
Equilibrium returns. You note all the pronounceable ingredients.
You note that there aren't endless arrays of garbage foods, most
of them marketed to children and every single one sealed in hideous
molded plastic tubs containing more packaging than foodstuff. And
you note the people, the customers, seem less, I don't know, dazed?
Overwhelmed? Drugged?
And then, when you least expect it, you find yourself in some situation
or in some town with no other grocery options and you innocently
walk back into Safeway to try to buy some organic hormone-free eggs
(ha-ha yeah right good luck) - and WHAM. Sensory overload. Low-vibration
overload. You get what in meditation circles they would call whacked,
slapped upside the spirit by dank, malicious energy. Supermarket
Syndrome.
Pork-like sausage in a can. Cool Whip with enough high-fructose
corn syrup to caulk your driveway. Creepy chicken-flavored sauce
packets, ten to a box. Precut celery. Precut cookie dough. Precut
everything because you're too lazy to handle a knife. Nabisco honey-flavored
Teddy Grahams shaped like Dora the Explorer. Dawn Wash & Toss.
Crustless white bread of sufficient consistency to plug Hoover Dam.
We are amazing beings, we bipeds. We adapt. We can endure the most
unlivable crap and the most unhealthy exposure and think it's completely
fine and normal.
Normal, that is, until we take one step away from it and spend
a little time outside a given teeming cauldron of low-vibrational
culture, and then when we happen to step back in for a second, we
can only go Oh my freaking God how in the hell did I ever do this?
How did I ever live here eat this drink that lick those shop here
wear that date her consume this believe that?
Remember how when you were a little kid and you drank gallons of
pasteurized two-percent milk with your Oreos and you thought it
was amazing and good? And then when you reached adulthood you (hopefully)
got away from that nasty stuff and maybe switched to nonfat or even
(hopefully) soy or almond or rice milk because you learned that
milk is for babies and besides, those sad cows are pretty much bathed
in noxious hormones and chemicals from birth? Remember?
And then one day you just so happened to be handed a glass of old-school
milk and you remembered your happy childhood, so you took a big
swig and almost gagged because it tasted like thick liquid phlegm
and you were like, "Oh my God, how the hell did I ever drink
this crap?" Supermarket Syndrome is exactly like that, except
with buildings.
And yes, it really is vibrational. And yes, your body can actually
feel it, feel the violent lack of positive energy in all that processed
crap, feel it deep down, where the meanings are, and if you've ever
walked out of Safeway or Best Buy or Wal-Mart feeling oddly soiled
and grimy and vaguely depressed, if not outright sick to your stomach,
you know exactly what I mean.
Blue ketchup. Peanut-butter yogurt with little plastic dome-tops
full of chocolate sprinkles and M&M's and freeze-dried, strawberry-like
lumps. Sugar-free SnackWell's cookies featuring GMO wheat and eight
pounds per square bite of cancer-happy sucralose and aspartame.
Velveeta. Kraft "Shrek"-shaped Cheese Nips featuring enough
thiamine mononitrate and disodium phosphate and partially hydrogenated
oil and outright brain-cramping MSG to kill, well, Shrek.
We are surrounded. We are immersed. American consumer culture is
teeming with so many neon-colored, overprocessed, semicomestible,
demon-spawn products we can no longer even recognize how bad it
is, how it is all meant to drive us slowly insane, so slowly we
forget to keep asking why we feel so sick all the time, and we just
shut the hell up and buy more giant tubs of Country Crock to go
with our liquefied reconstituted pork tubes because we think this
is the only way.
Of course, it's not. The solution is easy. Get your flesh happy.
Get the hell out of Safeway and Albertsons and the big-box stores
that only want to pummel your sense of humanity and joy and suck
your soul through your eyeballs.
Hie thee to local markets, organic places, natural foods, small
grocery stores staffed by people who do not seem to be secretly
mapping out ways to dismember your children as they ring up your
groceries. Do not underestimate the effect this form of simple escape
and recalibration can have on your overall sense of well-being and
hope. It is not too late. The rice milk is waiting.
Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday
and Friday on SF Gate, unless it appears on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
which it never does. Subscribe to this column at sfgate.com/newsletters.
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